Rome, April 1st, 2017
In a surprise move, today, the Italian Parliament held a joint session of the Senate and the Chamber of Deputies in which the resignation of the current president of Italy, Sergio Mattarella was accepted. The parliament unanimously designated Mr. Silvio Berlusconi as the new President of Italy.
According to a member of the parliament, the general feeling was that there was no alternative to returning Mr. Berlusconi to a position of political power, since the Italian political system had been unable to produce anyone who could take his place after he resigned from the position of prime minister, in 2011. Asked about the former prime minister, Mr. Matteo Renzi, as a possible candidate, the MP declined to provide an assessment. Later on, he was observed puking on the floor of the parliament.
Mr. Berlusconi said that he would be implementing a completely new policy designed to "make Italy great again". While some commentators understood this as implying a strong support for the Italian cheese producers ("make Italy grate again"), Berlusconi himself explained his economic and political reforms in a press conference held today. The main points are:
1. Italian energy independence. The Sardinian coal mines will be re-opened. It is anticipated that these mines won't be able to provide sufficient coal to replace oil imports, therefore, in an initial transitional phase, coal will be imported from England to operate new steel plants and convert the Italian economy to a fully coal-based energy system. Renewable energy installations will be encouraged, but only indoor wind plants will be allowed in order to preserve a pristine landscape. New photovoltaic plants will be permitted only if able to demonstrate 24-hours constant output (no batteries allowed).
2. Italian mining supported. The new President aims at re-opening the Etruscan iron mines in Tuscany, as well as the sulfur mines in Sicily that were closed in the early 19th century. This is expected to boost employment, creating many jobs for young Italians as miners.
3. Boosting employment. The Italian University System will be reformed. No more funds will be allocated for climate and energy research. New mining schools will be established with the objective of creating a new generation of miners. At the same time, the diffusion of coal in the Italian energy system will create many jobs as chimney sweepers.
4. Domestic industries supported. In a restatement of some old policies, tariffs will be slapped on all imports. At the same time, imported goods will be replaced with Italian-made ones. The new President sees a return of CRT, black and white television sets operated by vacuum tubes. Electric cars will be forbidden in order to support the domestic car industry which will be encouraged to develop coal-powered vehicles.
5. The Alpine wall. The new President aims at building a wall along the Italian Alpine border with Germany in order to keep the Germans out, as well as other German-like hordes (Austrians, Swiss, and the like). He said about the Germans, "They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are good people."
6. Climate Change. The new Presidents stated that climate change is not a threat and, in any case, its origin is wholly natural. Nevertheless, plans are being devised in order to dismantle Venice and selling it to the Germans who will re-assemble it near Bonn. The income from the sale of Venice will be used to finance the Alpine wall. Also, an agreement with Perrier is being implemented in order to fight the desertification problem in Sicily.
7. The Eurolira. Italy will abandon the Euro and move to a new currency called the Eurolira. The new currency and the old one will be exchanged at a strict, government enforced, 1:1 rate. Banknotes and coins will continue to be issued by the European Central Bank and will still be marked as "Eur" even though when they circulate in Italy will be referred to as "liras".
8. Foreign policy. The new President strongly supports an assertive foreign policy for Italy. If Carthage will threaten Rome again, the Carthaginians will be swiftly punished by a new fleet of triremes armed with a secret weapon whose characteristics are not known at present, but that goes under the mysterious name of corvus.